Hey! I didn't see room for improvement the first time around but having read this second version I have to say that this one is better, so far.
I like everything you've changed and I can't say that I'd change anything else, except the typo on "He growled slightly louder than accepted conversational tones, but quiet enough to secure a little hope that no one would be concern."
I especially liked:
"It was one of those scary thoughts that eased back only with more humor: the only reason House wasn’t dead was because neither God nor Satan could put up with him." and "Over the years, the duties of House’s conscience had dwindled down to the measly task of reminding him to stop staring. For once, he listened."
Neither were in the original, right?
The opening is the best change though, great job with the first paragraph.
I can't wait to see how much better you can make this already great story.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-15 02:14 am (UTC)I like everything you've changed and I can't say that I'd change anything else, except the typo on "He growled slightly louder than accepted conversational tones, but quiet enough to secure a little hope that no one would be concern."
I especially liked:
"It was one of those scary thoughts that eased back only with more humor: the only reason House wasn’t dead was because neither God nor Satan could put up with him." and "Over the years, the duties of House’s conscience had dwindled down to the measly task of reminding him to stop staring. For once, he listened."
Neither were in the original, right?
The opening is the best change though, great job with the first paragraph.
I can't wait to see how much better you can make this already great story.