verbal_kint: (Default)
[personal profile] verbal_kint
Title: Tipping It
Rating: PG-13
Summary:  The Gregory House pain scale.
Word Count: 100 x 11...that's 1100, right? Math was never really my thing.
Thank You: [personal profile] nightdog_barks , [livejournal.com profile] perspi , and [profile] blackmare_9  for saving me. Literally, without you this fic would not be fit to be set on fire in a brown paper bag on a bad neighbor's front porch...and now it is? So yes, thanks.



Zero
Take Wilson to Disneyworld. When he asks you why, tell him it’s because he’s never been, but say it like you’re lying. You drive. After four hours or so of intermittent silence that wraps its way around various pieces of nurse’s station gossip and Wilson’s new Ben Folds CD, Wilson asks you why again, so you tell him you’re on etorphine because it’s good enough for elephants and therefore good enough for you. He lectures you for the next three days, and you don’t mind because for some reason the sound of his voice is less annoying when you aren’t distracted. You ride Space Mountain. Twice.
   
One
Pinch yourself, just in case. Then go fly a kite in the park; maybe take a jogging start. As long as the sky has your attention, you look at the clouds, and you watch as the cotton-like shapes poke their way out of the blue. You skip lunch to successfully identify a liver, the left-hemisphere of some archaic homo sapien’s brain, and five ovarian cysts. You stop just as the sun goes down, and by then the only things that are left are you and the local hoodlums on dog-powered skateboards. It’s nice out, and you think you might stay.
   
Two
Catch up on some sleep while you can. Take a Tylenol PM or two, because you won’t be able to shut your eyes until you’ve convinced yourself it’s all temporary, and it is temporary. Hell, put a plant that you won’t water on your nightstand so you’ll remember.  Watch it die while you drift off to sleep suspiciously. You try very hard not to dream, but there’s Wilson, old and limping more pronouncedly than you ever were, reminding you that nothing lasts.  And at 11AM, when your stomach aches with hunger and you can actually feel it, cherish it. Go back to sleep.
   
Three
Go to a bar. Sit patiently while Wilson gets slightly drunker than you. The woman three stools down is pointing her giant pair of eyes in your direction, and you look back wondering if those eyes are even real, if they’re just the enormous googly leftovers from a second grade crafts project. But they’re a nice shade of aquamarine and you can imagine them in very close proximity to your eyes for one night only. You give her a nod, a roguish smile. Tonight, call Wilson a cab and walk her to her car. You’re only limping a little bit.

Four
Take the elevator (out of habit), but you’ll have to remind yourself to take the stairs later. Definitely take the stairs later if it doesn’t start raining or hailing or snowing, or if the world doesn’t abruptly spin off its axis and into nothingness like an 8 ball in a dark pool hall. And even if it does, you might feel like risking it. You might find a spare father to get your ass in gear when you’re wincing instead of walking. If not, almost miss him. You can feel that it will rain tomorrow, but this is today.

Five
Sit a while and think. Rain covers your office with old wax paper, and the slick air makes you feel slightly too moldy to eat. Outside, a bus squeals to a stop, and you hear the throbbing of its brakes while you feel it. The moisture seeps into your skin like you’re one giant sprained ankle in a lukewarm tub. Take a walk down the hall, away from the windows. It’s just after lunch and Wilson’s probably in the lounge. Play foosball, and tell yourself it’s only until the sun comes out. You weren’t planning to work on your tan anyhow.

Six
Go to work. Save a life. You’re only just past what you can ignore, which is good, because this way you can pretend like you’re ignoring it. If you need a break, take it in the elevator, at the end of long corridors, in the morgue. For now, you have an audience, and while you never asked to be this good of an actor, you are. You’re brilliant this way. Keep hiding your winces in your red coffee mug, awaiting your invisible prize of solitude. And it’ll be hard, but you’ll be okay. Somewhat unfortunately, you always are.
   
Seven
Wilson will know by now, and while you can think of a dozen suitable reasons why that’s okay, it’s not okay. You’ve become so naïve about how naïve he is that you told him to go away, as if you’re in the shower naked instead of in your office bundled up like preschooler in winter. As if he wasn’t going to leave you alone anyway. So now you’re both alone, knowing, and that’s your fault. You could’ve been together, pretending, if you could only suck it up. If you could only pretend your nerves aren’t swimming in battery acid.

Eight
Don’t think about it. Get Taub out, and the others won’t talk about it. Bring up the patient and they follow your lead, and somewhere between Alexander Syndrome and Cerebrotendineous Xanthomatosis, you stretch out your leg. Your quadriceps constrict under the pressure of your blue jeans and never release because it’s already too late. You tell the team to do an MRI just before the knots of connective tissue in your thigh muscle break free from your femur, wriggling and writhing like you’d be if the walls weren’t made of glass. Instead, you grab the armrest and don’t let go.

Nine
You fake the runny nose, but the other symptoms are already there. When Wilson shows up at your apartment because you called in sick and God forbid the man ever believe you have the flu, he can hear you retching from outside the front door. The vomit’s on the comforter, not the floor, which should have been his first tip-off that you were lying when you told him you’re detoxing. Detoxing’s better than this. You can make it to the toilet when you’re detoxing. He stays, and he still doesn’t notice because he’s not you. It’s what you love about him.

Ten
Remember to tell Wilson not to vandalize your grave with flowers. And if he does, and he will, tell him they’d better be yellow carnations. As you recall, they signify disappointment, and you want to leave one last puzzle for somebody else to solve. A passing florist, perhaps. Remember to tell him you want the smallest headstone they’ve got, and tell him to be grateful for your eternal thriftiness. But he knows you’re not thrifty. You just don’t want monuments you don’t deserve. Of course, you won’t remember to tell him anything. Fuck it; you can’t talk without the morphine.
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(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
I love the progression here, from flying a kite to envisioning his death, and even the idea of taking stairs at a four because it feels so much better than the other levels. (And House really would refer to clouds as internal organs and other nasty growths.)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
I think I cursed myself by writing the cloud line, as now I'm seeing a brain in the sky outside my window. :)

Thanks so much for reading. I'm a big fan of your writing and the fact that you would even stop to comment means a lot to me.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
You are creative with your thoughts and your language, in a way that never fails to surprise me and sort of ... make me say, "Oh!" with that pleasant sort of shock.

I really enjoy the feeling of unreality in the first two parts, because "zero" and "one" are pretty much nonexistent for House, so he can imagine any number of absurd-for-House things, and he does.

By the end you're making me smile (... not to vandalize your grave with flowers -- totally House) and breaking my heart (yellow carnations for the disappointment House believes he is, and a puzzle for the only thing he feels able to offer).

You've packed an incredible amount of insight into so few words. And it was all there well before any of your lunatic first-readers got to it, so give yourself proper credit, mkay?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Aw gosh, if I were the Grinch you'd be making my heart grow ten sizes, but as I'm not you're just making me really happy.

Thanks again for all your help...will definitely rely on your lunacy in the future.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rockinrach08.livejournal.com
Really liked how they flowed, and how you write.

Btw, I'm pretty sure that two of your userpics are made by me but you've credited someone else. The one you used for this entry, and the "I hear the sperm is really good today". Sorry, just noticed that. Could you credit me please? Sure it was just a mistake :) http://community.livejournal.com/house_wilson/3391751.html

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
Off-topic question, because I've been wondering about this for a long time. I've never used icons made by anyone else, because I have no idea how to go about crediting for them on my LJ.

What's the standard/accepted practice for that? I'm probably being quite dense, but I see "please credit" all the time and I'm not sure if that means "tag the image in your userpics file" or "credit whenever you use it in a post" or what, exactly.

Many thanks if you can clear this up for me. Your icons are lovely, and my attempts to make my own have given me a whole new kind of respect for icon-making.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] rockinrach08.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-05-25 09:35 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-05-25 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com
These are amazing. Well done.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thank you; I'm so glad you liked them. :)

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Date: 2009-05-25 09:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] masterfedora.livejournal.com
That was artistically done and very moving. Heart-breaking.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Aw, thank you for the comment...and for reading in the first place. :)

(no subject)

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:52 pm (UTC)
ext_121721: Pinigir User Picture (House & Wilson)
From: [identity profile] pinigir.livejournal.com
I love it! Nice progression from one number to the other (and the unlikeliness of the first few levels).

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
What? You mean House *wouldn't* drive to Disneyworld on a wim?

I jest, of course. I'm so glad you liked them. Thanks!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arhh.livejournal.com
*hugs you* *hugs House* Great job :) I love pieces dealing with House's pain. For something that is so central to his being, it is often just glossed over with a few words (I know I am guilty of it myself in stories) and I love seeing great pieces like this. Thanks for sharing :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
*hugs you back* Thanks a million, that's very sweet of you to say. Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad you liked it. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mich8283.livejournal.com
I'm a bit speechless. Well done.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thank you. Sorry it was a hard read, but thanks so much.

Love your new userpic. :)

(no subject)

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-25 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-summoning-d.livejournal.com
This is wonderful. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. Zero really struck a chord with me - I know how it feels to consider a day without pain so unlikely as to be ridiculous. Beautiful writing.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thank you; I mean it. So sorry you're in pain; I sympathize, and it means even more to me that you liked it regardless. Thanks again. :)

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Date: 2009-05-25 11:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murgy31.livejournal.com
That was fantastic!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:18 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 12:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
For some reason, the "almost miss him" in Four just really got to me, with the hint that not every memory he has of his father is bad. And House would think exactly like this, with this kind of swift and vivid observation that runs from playful to unsparing. This is such lovely writing.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Aw thank you for such a lovely comment. I'm so glad you like it and thanks for taking the time to let me know. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 01:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bmax67.livejournal.com
This was absolutely beautiful...well, as beautiful as one's pain can be.

Your progression feels so real, like I was experiencing it with House as his pain increases.

Loved how you had him enjoying himself outside, flying a kite. Then ended up trapped in his own apartment, hiding away from everything.

And OMG, that last one. Ouch.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thanks. Gee willikers, I swear I wrote this *before* I promised I'd write something not angsty; it just wasn't ready to post.

Your comments always brighten my day. Thanks a mil (we teenagers say that all the time now. It's stupid, but it is handy. Sometimes it's hard to say "million" I guess...)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anotherfngrl.livejournal.com
I'm crying right now, because I'm a chronic pain sufferer (nerves in my legs were damaged when I was 14) and THAT IS IT. Exactly.

That's exactly how it goes when the miracle cure fails: The progression from feeling like you can do anything, to pushing yourself, to dreading the suffering, to pretending you're okay, to hiding that you aren't to totally breaking down is SO REAL.

And this is exactly how House would deal with all of it, would think about it.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
and THAT IS IT. Exactly.

This completely made my day. Now bear with me, because this is going to sound weird, but if I were hoping for any sort of response to this fic, that would be it. I've been sitting on this idea for a long time because I'd never seen it done, and I have RSD so I figured I could inject a lot of personal experience into it yada yada yada, but I really wanted it to be done right, if that makes sense. I didn't want other chronic pain sufferers to be like "welp, you suck."

So basically, in this long stupid rant, I just really wanted to thank you for assuring me I hit some sort of target audience. Gee whiz, that sounds pretentious of me, but all I mean to say is thank you thank you thank you.

P.S. Thank you.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] anotherfngrl.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-05-27 04:24 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shutterbug-12.livejournal.com
I like all of these sections, but especially the last one, because it's so grounded in who House is, and what he believes about himself: that he's a disappointment and undeserving of that kind of glory or happiness. That was a 'hit the nail right on the head' kind of moment for me as I read.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for commenting. I mean, sometimes I just want to shake that fictional character and tell him he's great. Dunno if he'd believe me, I but I'd try. :)

Thanks for reading; I appreciate it.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 07:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hoegh.livejournal.com
I wish I could analyze, but unfortunately I suck at that. I only know how what I read makes me feel, not how it happens. So happy to see that so many others have made constructive comments. Incredible that so much expression can be contained in so few lines.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
I'm just honored to have you comment in the first place, haha. Thanks so much; I'm very glad you like it. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 09:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jonne17.livejournal.com
Oh, wow, this is so cruel and beautiful. I had real trouble finishing it, your writing shows that you know (to some extent I hope)what it is like to be in pain. That makes me hurt for House and for you.
You have grown as a writer so much these last few months. Not that I'm a great judge of writing, but it's how I feel, LOL.

Also, on a completely different note, I have a proposition for you about finishing Fetch. Are you interested?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 09:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thanks so much. It was pretty hard for me to write, too. I do feel like I've grown tons in the past few months; so nice of you to notice. :) I kinda feel like a puppy, haha, they grow up so fast and then they just stop. Hope that doesn't happen, but I'll learn while I can. :)

Ooh, preposition for finishing Fetch? I'm totally interesting. It's essentially finished but I'm still editing it to pieces...dunno why really; it's not exactly a masterpiece.

What did you have in mind?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jonne17.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-05-26 09:52 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-05-26 09:55 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] jonne17.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-05-26 09:59 am (UTC) - Expand

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 10:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spotandpunk.livejournal.com
Good job buddy! Loved this and a couple of lines really stood out: "If you could only pretend your nerves aren’t swimming in battery acid." and: "if the world doesn’t abruptly spin off its axis and into nothingness like an 8 ball in a dark pool hall" -fabulous!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 05:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thanks! And now to go read your fic... *scurries off to microsoft word*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibernia1.livejournal.com
Extremely well done, I love the way the pain creeps up, climbs, and wins. Very sad but so well done. Thanks for sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Aw thanks; I'm so glad you liked it. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-26 08:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] talktidy.livejournal.com
Excellent fic. Extremely well written, subtle. One to add to my memories.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'm very flattered. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 11:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] menolly-au.livejournal.com
Come to this late so everyone has already said everything but it was a great piece of writing, the last 3 in particular were really poignant (House not being able to do anything but grab the armrest in case anyone should see through the glass walls was my favourite bit).

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-31 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Sorry for the late reply, busy week. : /

I just wanted to say thanks for reading, and that I'm really glad you liked it. Thanks for taking the time to comment. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 11:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] feanix.livejournal.com
This is brilliant...The progression is so descriptive and painful.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-31 04:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Thanks so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-27 10:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] topaz-eyes.livejournal.com
I love when drabbles are done well--each one of these is a punch in the gut in its own way. The last one, especially, with the yellow carnations--not many can speak the language of flowers, and it somehow fits House that he can.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-31 04:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
Aw geez, sorry for the late reply. I just wanted to say thanks so much for the lovely comment!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-28 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com
oh, this is so great.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-31 04:49 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-06-05 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelcat2865.livejournal.com
Beautifully done.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-08-17 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
Told you I'd come over here...

Too real. I remember, when it first happened, begging my friend Amber to have a little accident with my meds, or to at least turn her head while I did it. She never did the former, but I still wonder if she would have done the latter. I've never asked, and she's never told me.

Can't Believe I'm Saying This On a Public Post

Date: 2009-08-17 03:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verbal-kint10.livejournal.com
I guess I'm only admitting this because I assume nobody will go on here anymore, but yeah, I tried to kill myself when it first happened. It didn't work out (using pills is probably the worst method but then, I'm not sure I really wanted to do it). Thank God. By far, the stupidest thing I've ever done.
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